By: Carol O., Transformations Alumna
Nobody chooses to be an alcoholic, nobody chooses addiction. But somehow I found myself in this club. My story is really not that outrageous or for that matter, not too unusual. My drinking story began when I was over 50 years old. In my 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s I was that all-involved stay-at-home mom. I was an active wife and mother of four children. I participated in everything-PTA, class mother, sports, coach, party planner. Basically, you name it, and we did it. Life was busy and great. I was exhausted and loved every minute of it.
So what happened…one by one my children were growing up, and becoming more independent….they no longer needed me to drive them to events or hold their hands. Soon they went off to college and I found myself with lots of time on my hands and ALONE. I didn’t know what to do with all of this time. I was depressed and didn’t even know it.
My drinking was quite innocent at first. Going out to lunch with friends and having a glass or two of wine with lunch. No big deal. Not going out to lunch and having 1,2, or 3 glasses of wine at home. Not a problem. Having a glass of wine while making dinner, 2 glasses of wine with dinner, and a follow-up drink after dinner. Oh boy. This was my pattern. And this is how alcohol romanced me. I felt I had control over my behaviors and I wasn’t hurting anyone. But I was. My husband suggested that I “may” have a drinking problem….I was insulted and insisted I didn’t have a problem, and I would show him. This is where my story gets interesting (lol). I believed that vodka was odorless. So I would add vodka to just about anything—a can of soda, coffee, you name it. I found myself drinking alone and at any time of day. It seemed safe, I had no children to care for….who was I hurting? I was in full-blown addiction. I was drinking more and more. I started to hide my drinking from others. Hiding my empty and full bottles in closets, under my bed….just about anywhere. Alcohol is tricky like that. It makes you believe and think you have total control over your actions when you really don’t. I started to recognize the signs of being an alcoholic
I needed help. I could not just STOP drinking. I did try. I limited my drinking to just weekends, or just at celebratory events. But that didn’t work. I couldn’t stop like everyone else and it became obvious that alcohol was in charge now.
With the help of my husband and children, I went to TTC on April 21, 2017. At first, I went with the intention to just get my loved ones “off my back” about my drinking. If only I could learn how to drink like a normal person again. That was my plan. My counselor at TTC was a life changer. He was able to unravel that I had PTSD from an experience much earlier in my life…those memories led me down a path of alcohol abuse. The need to shut down past feelings of loss. I came to freely ask for help. And most importantly realize that I can never drink like a normal person. My time at TTC was life-changing.
My 1st year of sobriety was not all rainbows and unicorns. I recognized the need to change my “old ways” of living. The first change was that NO alcohol is permitted in my house. I went to 90 meetings in 90 days, got a sponsor, a homegroup, and started working the 12 steps. As the days went on, I was slowly becoming my old self again. A strong, confident woman who could be present. I was no longer obsessed with figuring out when my next drink was coming. I met lots of men and women in the rooms of AA who were just like me. I was no longer alone and that felt so nice.
Five years later and I now take on speaking roles for my homegroup. I share my experience, strength, and hope with others. I can be counted on to not just show up…but to be involved. My family has embraced the sober wife and mom that I am. My greatest hope is that I continue this journey One Day At A Time….if I do, my grandchildren will never witness me as anything other than Nana. A Nana that loves her life of SOBRIETY.
Thanks for letting me share.
With love,
Carol O’Donnell
TTC class of 2017
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