By: Mike Murphy, Manager of Alumni Services
One of the more common questions I get asked regularly pertaining to my sobriety is, “How did you get through your early sobriety? What’s the trick?”. And the answer always has been, and always will be: I didn’t do it by myself. And I am absolutely one of the fortunate ones who gripped onto this almost right away when I left Transformations. It was one of the first suggestions I took.
When I left Transformations, my “tool kit” was filled to the brim. You name it! Coping skills, breathing/meditation practices, finally taking meds, etc. But when I got home (Mom’s house) I was back to myself again. All the supports I had during my 2+ months at Transformations were no longer around me. I knew I had to get to an AA meeting the very day I got out and start creating new support. This was not going to be easy. For the first time in my adult life, I was going to have to meet new people without booze. How do people do this?!
I walked into my very first AA meeting the same day I left Transformations. My nerves were RATTLED. I had no idea what I was walking into. Mind you, when I went through Transformations, it was right at the beginning of Covid. We did not attend any off-property meetings, because everything was closed. So, this was like walking into the Lion’s Den. I didn’t know where to sit. Like, do certain people sit in certain rows? If I sit in the back, am I going to be told to go to the front because I’m the new kid? All of a sudden, I was filled with the anxiety of a 6th grade kid getting on the school bus on the first day of school. I decided to sit in the second row and wing it. And the unthinkable happened. The old, grumpy dude in the front row turned around and handed me The Secretary’s Report and told me to read it. Now my anxiety is at 8th grade ask a girl to the dance high. I felt a bead of sweat come from my forehead. “BUT I’M NOT THE SECRETARY! I CAN’T READ THIS!!”. To which the grumpy, old man told me: “You know how to read, right? Then you’re fine. Read it.” At the end of the meeting, the grumpy, old man introduced himself to me as Dave. Dave was from Boston and must have been a detective in his previous life. The first thing he asked me after introducing himself was, “So. You’re new to this, huh?”. A real sleuth. He had cracked the code. He then told me to take his number down and to “keep coming back”. Well, I did. That first anxiety-fueled meeting would turn into my first home group. And you know what? I loved it. Every day at 5:30 pm I was around people just like me. Sure, it was a much older crowd than I was around at Transformations, but I think that made me like it even more.
While I loved the old timers at my home group, I also wanted to be around some people close to my age. One Sunday I decided I was going to hit up the Noon meeting, also. After that meeting had ended, I noticed some guys that appeared to be around my age staying to help clean the entire room after everyone had left. I decided to stick around and help out. This little act of wanting to be of service would really start to develop the momentum in my early recovery.
After we were done cleaning, the guy that seemed to be in charge introduced himself to me. He seemed like a hundred other dudes I knew. We spoke for a little bit and exchanged numbers. He also introduced me to the 5-6 other guys there. And as it would turn out, they all lived at the halfway down the road. At this point, I was still very reluctant to go live in a halfway house. All I had were negative stereotypes and things I had seen on TV floating around in my head. I was still “too good” for it. I was not. And the guy I had met at the cleaning party, Mike, knew this also. After one of our Sunday meetings and we were done cleaning, Mike took me to the Diner up the road and told me what I needed to hear. “You can’t do this by yourself, man. You went to treatment, and that’s great and all. But you need people around you right now. You need people in recovery. And you’re definitely not going to get that living with your Mom”. There were some other words used and examples given, but I’ll keep this blog PG rated. And he was right. A few days later I was living at this place called “Fellowship” in Margate. And all of a sudden, I was surrounded by dozens of other guys in Recovery. All walks of life. Some in early recovery, some in long term. But all in recovery, none the less. Hell, a lot of it reminded me of being back in The Marines in the barracks. Living there offered me a multitude of things. Peer support and accountability being the two biggest. At any given time, I could open my front door and be met with plenty of other guys going through the same things I was. And we would help each other out. Sure, it wasn’t all sunshine and happiness. But it also wasn’t nearly as bad as I had made it out to be in my head.
Mike would end up becoming my first Sponsor. And in turn would introduce me to the other guys in our “Sober Family”. Including my GrandSponsor, Dan. Who would become my first boss in sobriety. Now, every day I was around others in recovery from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning until they closed at night. I was fully immersed and right where I needed to be. My confidence was building and for the first time in a long time, I felt good. And I felt like I was finally doing the right things. Imagine that?
I would stay at that Halfway for about 7 months. I ended up moving about 30 minutes from there and my homegroup. And at the time, I wasn’t driving. So, this opened up a few problems for me. It meant I had to find other meetings. Other supports, also. Fortunately, I knew that every Wednesday I could log onto the Transformations Alumni Zoom meeting. Which was great because not only was I getting a meeting in, but it also kind of helped keep me connected to where this whole thing started. As time would go by, those weekly zoom meetings would open up opportunities to me such as speaking on one of those meetings. And eventually, when Covid eventually started declining JUST ENOUGH, I was able to return to Transformation in person for their H&I Commitment. Still to this day one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. To set foot back on Transformations and tell my story to people who were sitting in the same seats as I was just a few months back. And eventually, that H&I would lead me to where I am today. And I couldn’t be more grateful.
I still keep in contact with a fair amount of people from my old halfway. And if you read my last blog, I was recently in Washington D.C. attending a conference where a few of their managers were also in attendance. To be able to catch up and spend some time with them in our Nation’s Capital was surreal. I was also invited to attend their Annual 4th of July bash they host every year. And to not only attend it but be a guest judge for their Chili Cookoff!
There were no secrets to my early sobriety. I kept people around me and fully immersed myself into the sober community. Which brings me to my final point. When I speak with someone who has recently relapsed, whether after 3 days or 3 years, one of the most common reasons I hear is, “I stopped working a program and being around others in recovery”. Dare I say more than half the time this is the answer I hear.
Don’t get me wrong. I am no saint. I find myself sometimes slacking, also. And I must remain vigilant about this. A few months back I knew I needed to straighten up and start attending more meetings. I couldn’t allow what I do for work to become my recovery. I had to have my own, as well. I knew of a sunrise meeting by me that I had attended a while back and made it a point to start attending it every weekend. And wouldn’t you know it, even after that first weekend, I felt better. I felt more confident and overall, I just felt happier.
I was with my people.
P.S. While I had a blast and was honored to take part…..I wouldn’t recommend eating 7 bowls of chili in one sitting. No matter what the event.
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